Being me

I tend to wonder at my worth in life.. Certainly there are those who often tell me I mean something to them, but I often wonder exactly what that is. I think it goes beyond being needed. I'm always needed even when I don't want to be. But I want more.. is that a terrible thing to ask for?

Here I go again

So I'm trying my hand at weight loss.... again.... as usual, I'm slowly picking up energy, which is a given.. losing water weight, again a given...
Have been drinking water for about 2 months now.. sometimes I'll drink a tea or juice just for a change up, but mainly water. Increasing my raw fruits and vegetables and trying to cut back on meats or rather, trying to eat leaner cuts of meats.. and working on increasing fiber and grains while decreasing carbs.. but not cutting them completely out as carbs is actually energy for our bodies.
Trying to find a "diet" I'm agreeable with. Most diets I've been on left me unhappy and starved.  When a diet makes you feel that way, change it.. no matter what, you should never feel starved. Because once you do eat, your body goes into this sort of survivalist mode.. packing on fat and whatnot so it has energy to consume.. this is where people fail.. they see that they aren't losing the weight or in.some cases, picking it back up and poof,  their off their diet. Yes, diet and exercising are hard at first, but remember, it takes 7 days to begin a habit and 2 weeks to set it damn near in stone.
I'm 46, going through the beginnings of premenopausa.. weight gain is a big concern for me as I've always struggled with my weight.  At one time I was thin.. then I had kids.. got stuck in a rut and now am fighting to get back at least half of a former body. So.. this is me again.. so far, I'm not exactly sure if I've lost anything.. our scale got broke.... (NO! Not from exceeded weight either.. it was one of those digital deals.. someone spilt water all over it and it went Ka-put!!)  Do I feel like I've maybe lost any.. kinda.. I watch food intake... eat til I'm full or right before that point.. if I slightly over eat, I've noticed I become nauseous, and a heavy bloated feeling comes over me.. so since I'm not fond of that feeling, I don't over eat or do it often... (it's happened twice.. and it's been horrible) I'm trying to motivate myself to getting out of bed early to catch a brisk morning walk.. I'm usually up by 6 am, it's a perfect time to walk.. but I tend to loaf in bed for an hour or 2. So.. it's not that I'm sleeping in.. it's that I've got to get my ass up and moving to properly start my day...
Today, I at least got out of bed.. now to get to moving.. lol

Where to begin...

Life tosses so much at us that it can become unbearable. I'm finding that's the cross road I'm at.. people come and go.. trends, you name it.. finding a minutes happiness is becoming harder to obtain.. until someone comes into your life... and then you crave knowing them... and somewhere in there, during all the conversations and smiles and whatnot, the monsters of insecurity rise up and begin to sabotage everything... and they being to pull back.. and you just stand there, ready to cry... because you began making an investment in the relationship.. you think of them often, crave their attention like an junkie craves their chosen addiction. You harbour such adoration for tgem, your afraid your chest might burst. But your personal monsters just had to get in there...
I didn't want to care. Didn't want to get involved.. but I did... I have only myself to blame for being a fool to think.... and for a second there I thought I could call them mine.

Revamp #???

This isn't the first time I've revamped this thing.. part of me says to just kill it entirely.. I had an audience but with lack of posts, they have left.. I'm sure, for more entertaining places..
No... I'll try it once more... I guess because a part of me needs a sense of sanity in my insane world.